Where Responsibility Lies

Part of being the best American you can be is learning to be grateful for and responsible with the freedoms we have been given.  We need to become better at policing our own actions and not expect big government to control our every word and action.  Our country is supposed to be of, by and for the people.  Can we have a working government made up of the people if the people cannot be independently responsible?  Additionally, I think giving people the benefit of the doubt and being slow to accuse is part of being a better American - or maybe that's just a better person.

That being said…

A friend recently posted an article (http://todaysmama.com/2017/06/michelle-carter-conviction-means-kids/) regarding the conviction of Michelle Carter.  Michelle had texted her boyfriend encouraging texts. Unfortunately, she was encouraging him to commit suicide.  She also failed to get help when she knew his plans to harm himself. 

The friend who posted about Michelle talked about how impactful words can be. She jumped on the bandwagon of condemning Michelle for her actions and supporting the legal conviction.  Michelle was convicted of Involuntary Manslaughter.

I shared the article as well, but without commenting.   I was curious how people would respond.  It was one of my most shared posts and many of my friends who reposted it followed a similar line as the friend who first shared it.

Words are powerful.  They can inspire and destroy. 

I also believe, however, that for words to be powerful, to inspire or destroy, they require a listener.  Not just ears, but someone to take them in.  I believe every person has free agency - both speakers and listeners.

I do not condone the words or actions or lack of words and actions used by Michelle.  I also do not claim a place of perfect perspective on Michelle, her boyfriend or either of their situations.

I will call her Michelle, as opposed to Carter as many other articles and bloggers will, because regardless of her actions she is still a person.  I feel comfortable judging an action, but not a person.  I will also not judge the intent behind the actions.  I do believe there are absolute truths and some things are absolutely right and absolutely wrong.  But again, I cannot see into the hearts of anyone.  I have difficulty understanding my own sometimes.

The initial blog that was shared is well-written.  It has several good points and I'd admire that she also refrained from judging Michelle or anyone else in the story.  She focused on the lessons we can learn and should share with our children.  Some statements seemed slightly slanted, however, and this article was not alone.

The title of this article via CNN gives a clear judgement for cause and effect (http://www.cnn.com/2017/06/08/us/text-message-suicide-michelle-carter-conrad-roy/index.html) and places the blame fully on Michelle.  This CNN article (http://www.cnn.com/2017/06/16/us/michelle-carter-texting-case/index.html) shows a more objective title and the article is based more on the facts.  The court's rulings are shared, but not the authors.

I found these articles as I tried to do my own research related to Michelle's case.  I wanted to see the actual texts sent and why the conviction of involuntary manslaughter was made.  Some facts:

• Involuntary manslaughter refers to the "unintentional killing that results from recklessness or criminal negligence, or from an unlawful act that is a misdemeanor or low-level felony." http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/involuntary-manslaughter-overview.html

This overview describes three elements that must be included in the conviction of involuntary manslaughter:

1. Someone was killed as a result of the defendant's actions.
2. The act either was inherently dangerous to others or done with reckless disregard for human life.
3. The defendant knew or should have known his or her conduct was a threat to the lives of others

• The judge stated "she put him in that toxic environment [which] constituted reckless conduct."

• Michelle urged her boyfriend, Conrad Roy III, to get help.  She tells him she would get help if she were in his place. She says "please don't" in reference to him harming himself.
• Later texts show her discussing the means by which Conrad will eventually kill himself.  The next day she is asking him if he is "doing it tonight."
• This series of texts is shared.  It is over a span of nine days.  The full conversations are not included:

Carter: "You're gonna have to prove me wrong because I just don't think you really want this. You just keeps pushing it off to another night and say you'll do it but you never do"

---

Carter: "SEE THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. YOU KEEP PUSHING IT OFF! You just said you were gonna do it tonight and now you're saying eventually. . . ."

---

Carter: "But I bet you're gonna be like 'oh, it didn't work because I didn't tape the tube right or something like that' . . . I bet you're gonna say an excuse like that"

---

Carter: "Do you have the generator?"

Roy: "not yet lol"

Carter: "WELL WHEN ARE YOU GETTING IT"

---

Carter: "You better not be bull sh*ting me and saying you're gonna do this and then purposely get caught"

• And this:

Roy: "I'm just to sensitive. I want my family to know there was nothing they could do. I am entrapped in my own thoughts"

Roy: "like no I would be happy if they had no guilt about it. because I have a bad feeling tht this is going to create a lot of depression between my parents/sisters"

Roy: "i'm overthinking everything. . f**k. I gotta stop and just do it"

Carter: "I think your parents know you're in a really bad place. Im not saying they want you to do it, but I honestly feel like they can accept it. They know there's nothing they can do, they've tried helping, everyone's tried. But there's a point that comes where there isn't anything anyone can do to save you, not even yourself, and you've hit that point and I think your parents know you've hit that point. You said you're mom saw a suicide thing on your computer and she didn't say anything. I think she knows it's on your mind and she's prepared for it"

Carter: Everyone will be sad for a while, but they will get over it and move on. They won't be in depression I won't let that happen. They know how sad you are and they know that you're doing this to be happy, and I think they will understand and accept it. They'll always carry u in their hearts"

• This

Roy: "Idk I'm freaking out again"

Roy: I'm overthinking"

Carter: "I thought you wanted to do this. The time is right and you're ready, you just need to do it! You can't keep living this way. You just need to do it like you did last time and not think about it and just do it babe. You can't keep doing this every day"

Roy: "I do want to. but like I'm freaking for my family. I guess"

Roy: "idkkk"

Carter: "Conrad. I told you I'll take care of them. Everyone will take care of them to make sure they won't be alone and people will help them get thru it. We talked about this, they will be okay and accept it. People who commit suicide don't think this much and they just do it"

• And this:

Carter: "So I guess you aren't gonna do it then, all that for nothing"

Carter: "I'm just confused like you were so ready and determined"

Roy: "I am gonna eventually"

Roy: "I really don't know what I'm waiting for. . but I have everything lined up"

Carter: "No, you're not, Conrad. Last night was it. You keep pushing it off and you say you'll do it but u never do. Its always gonna be that way if u don't take action"

Carter: "You're just making it harder on yourself by pushing it off, you just have to do it"

Carter: "Do u wanna do it now?"

Roy: "Is it too late?"

Roy: "Idkk it's already light outside"

Roy: I'm gonna go back to sleep, love you I'll text you tomorrow"

Carter: "No? Its probably the best time now because everyone's sleeping. Just go somewhere in your truck. And no one's really out right now because it's an awkward time"

Carter: "If u don't do it now you're never gonna do it"

Carter: "And u can say you'll do it tomorrow but you probably won't"

---

Carter: "You just need to do it Conrad or I'm gonna get you help"

Carter: "You can't keep doing this everyday"

Roy: "Okay I'm gonna do it today"

Carter: "Do you promise"

Roy: "I promise babe"

Roy: "I have to now"

Carter: "Like right now?"

Roy: "where do I go? :("

Carter: "And u can't break a promise. And just go in a quiet parking lot or something."

• She heard Conrad's last breaths on a phone call and did not tell him to get out of the truck or talk him out of the choice in any other way at that time.  She did not call the police after he committed the act of suicide.

I know that is a lot to read for a blog, but I think it is important that you have some of the actual texts.  It would be best if we all read the entirety of the texts but there are 100s. 

Again, I do not condone the things that Michelle said, but I wonder if we could offer a perspective that may not have been considered, or maybe it was and dismissed.  Michelle did not want Roy to do it.  She didn't think he would and started out encouraging him not to.  He eventually convinces her that he is going to and she sees him as inconsolable.  So she loves him the best way she knows how and supports him.  He is wishy washy and she gets frustrated.  She may already feel frustrated given the whole situation. 

Or perhaps she viewed his suicidal ideation as cries for attention and sarcastically pushed at him.  His consistent avoidance of attempting suicide proved her right - if this had been her thinking. 

But then we have the phone call.  Was she tired of trying to talk him out of it?  Resigned? Already grieving?  Or maybe she was, in fact, bullying him and encouraging him to kill himself because she was cruel and careless.

I am not making excuses for her.  I am simply offering some different possibilities.  A judge made a conviction.  One person.  An imperfect person, trying to do the right thing. 

I've mentioned my life-long effort at tact.  To be honest, it didn't start until high school.  I am smart.  Not brilliant, top of the class kind of smart.  I might have been smarter, but I tend to rush through things and I am a bit air headed.  I enjoy activity, but am too often easily distracted. At any rate, the combination of not having tact, but being smart often meant I had a quick and wicked tongue - with anyone and everyone.  If I had an answer or an opinion, I had trouble keeping it to myself regardless of the appropriateness of the place or time.  

My intention was never to hurt, though that was exactly what I was often doing.  I didn't recognize it in myself until I recognized it in another person very close to me.  I saw this brilliant person seeing things as I do or better and then harshly share them.  I knew this person didn't mean them cruelly, but even this person's tone of voice and facial expression seemed to be demeaning and belittling the people they loved best.  I paid attention to the reactions of others and how I felt when talked to in this way.  I don't remember the exact moment, but I eventually made the connection and recognized the same pattern in myself.

We should police our own words.  We should do our best to teach our children to be kind and manage their words wisely and always encourage others to do the right.  But that does not make us perfect judges.

So here is what I will do with this.  I recognize that my words can impact people.  I also recognize that other people say things from their imperfect perspective - they may or may not be intending harm, but either way, it is my choice to be harmed or not.  No one else's words can make me do anything.  I will not place the blame on anyone.   It is not my place.  But I can learn from this. 

The political side of this is terrifying.  This judge is saying that someone's words can force another person to act.  That your actions or my actions can be controlled by another person's words freedom of speech.  Where then is the line for our freedom of speech?  It is understood that freedoms are freedoms as far as they do not incur another's freedoms.  But if what is said can control another person's actions, how can freedom of speech stand?  This is a slippery slope if there ever was one. 

Whether or not Michelle was morally wrong to support her boyfriend in his choice to commit suicide and to not call for help, I cannot support that she was legally wrong.  If this ruling stands, then every suicide could likely be determined to be no longer suicide - unless there is a serious mental illness in play. 

The stretches this judge made to state Michelle's actions fit the conviction of involuntary manslaughter are among the best contortionist poses I have ever heard of.  This is terrifying.  Where do we go from here?  What can be said?  People are so easily offended these days - so easily shocked and hurt by the opinions of others.

The children's rhyme "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" seems to have been forgotten.  I wonder if some think this rhyme was people in denial.

I wonder, however, if this rhyme was a reminder to kids and adults alike to not allow others' words to control them and that actions are our own responsibility and others could not be blamed for them.  

Purpose Served

My posts will all have to do with my personal growth.  I will be trying to take to heart all that was intended when the Declaration of Independence, Constitution and the Bill of Rights were written. 

In sharing my efforts to improve myself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually - as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend and woman - I'll consider the flaws in my own perspective that lead to anything less than achieving my goals.

I will recognize that achieving my best self will only occur via my own best efforts.  When obstacles arise that I cause, the others throw my way, or are just a natural part of my path in this life, I will express the efforts that I make internally and externally to not take it all personally and move forward regardless!

Some of my posts will be specific to my personal goals, including health, parenthood, wifehood, money, etc.

Some of my posts will be an expression of my studying and pondering of books written by those who have led, are leading, or made some other impact on the American people.

Some posts will be my reaction to current events.

Something I think is missing from much of the blogosphere is fact checking and referencing. 

If I am spouting anything as fact, I will try to add a link to a credible source. 

Otherwise, you can chalk it up to my own opinion or philosophy.  Of course, I am entitled to shift these at any point in time and I will try to remember to share how I shifted from one opinion to another if/when that happens.  I welcome sincere and considerate supporting and opposing comments. 

Not everyone was taught tact.  It doesn't come naturally to me, but it has been a life-long effort to at least consider how I say things might affect people.  Most often I recognize how I have affected people immediately AFTER saying something.  I do not want to be a person who tells a lie or half-truths just to avoid hurting someone's feelings (I do not think I am responsible for other's feelings), but I do want to be a person who is kind and considerate.  I think this is possible even when paired with being honest and forthcoming.

At any rate, I find I am not very good at lying, even when the truth isn't necessary or helpful. The truth is a beautiful thing regardless and I just can't help myself.  Tact and honesty do not always go together. So please, feel free to be tactless.  I hope you will attempt to not be completely rude, but I'm happy to give you the benefit of the doubt as you express your freedom to speak with me!

We are not all doing the best we can.  I realize most people say - I realize we are all doing the best we can - but I don't think that is true.  I think we can all do better.  I think we have fallen into a habit of doing less than we are capable. 

But I do believe that when we speak or do things, most of us are not consciously trying to hurt each other.  We are trying to figure things out!  So - let's recognize that we are all still learning and we come from imperfect backgrounds.

I also recognize that at some point in time, we all decide we are entitled to the utmost respect and that people should agree with us when we passionately share things.  (I'm sure I am convincing you all to believe my way right now!) We think we are entitled to many things - I'm sure I'll bring entitlement up again in the future.  But I realize, I am not entitled to your kindness, your openness, your honesty - heck, I am not even entitled to your response. 

So here I go, sharing my thoughts, failures and growths into the world wide web - maybe for only my mom to read :)

Let's get started!

The American Dream

When people hear someone say they are "living the American Dream" they often picture a huge house with perfectly manicured land, shiny new cars and a yacht docked at some nearby private marina.  Certainly there are no messy rooms, dust on the shelves or broken dishwashers etc.  There couldn't possibly be any trouble or hard work required when living the American Dream. 

 

I don't know when this idea came to fruition, but it couldn't be further than the original idea. 

 

The American Dream doesn't mean HAVING it all or GETTING it all or chilling out while it all falls in your lap.  To quote a former president it "means giving it your all, trying your hardest, accomplishing something."  GIVING, TRYING, ACCOMPLISHING.  And before anyone gets carried away thinking accomplish could possibly mean winning the lottery…to accomplish refers to bringing about something to the point of success, carrying it through, achieving, managing!  (Thank you Google).

 

Too many people have come to expect the American Dream, to feel entitled for the American Dream to enter their lives, but that doesn't make sense at all when the American Dream is truly understood.  It is less a noun than it is a verb!  To live the American Dream requires action.  I want to act.  I want to live the American Dream. I'm tired of waiting, it is time to start doing!

 

As I post about my attempt to live the American Dream, I expect to have a lot of bad days.  I might even complain and whine a bit.  I'll try to limit that - and I'll try to take a step back after any rants and learn a little something along the way.  I expect to GIVE and TRY and hopefully ACCOMPLISH something at the end of all of this. It will take work and effort on my part.  I expect I will fail often, but that is part of reaching success.  Success rarely comes magically on the first attempt at something great - or even something ordinary, but worth of being sought after.

 

It will take some patience on your part as the reader as well.  I hope that you will accept me for the human that I am.  I hope that you will be able to relate to me.  And if not relate to me, I hope that you will at least find a way to understand my point of view.  We all look at the same page of history with a unique perspective.  Our genetic make-up, the events we have experienced, the people we have crossed paths with and the choices we have made in the way we think, feel and act all work together to frame the world a little differently than the person next to us. 

 

I am starting this blog from a place of mediocrity.  I am a mess.  A lot of other people are messier - or maybe just their lives.  I get that.  I am not saying I have the worst life.  I actually have a pretty great life.  But I also struggle.  As good as I try to be, as hard as I think I am trying, I can never seem to get ahead.  I don't think I am alone in this.  In fact, I think I'm pretty average overall.  I think many of you may be a little like me.

 

Today, I recognize I am not doing all I can do - I can do better.  I am not trying as hard or as smart as I think I am.  I'm very good at identifying excuses and rationalizing away my less than 100% efforts. 

 

As I considered my lack-luster efforts - though energy draining they were - I considered the idea of the American Dream.  Not the everything-should-be-mine-now American Dream, but the real one.  I want success in my life.  I want success for my family.  I want life to be a little better.  I have to be willing to sacrifice a little and work smart!  So that's what this blog is about.  There won't be just one topic.  I'll explore and share the many areas of one ordinary girl's (that's me) strivings toward living the American Dream.  Thanks for joining me on this journey!